the rough side of the wait
I've heard it said that the true definition of PATIENCE is - "Not the ability to wait, but how you deal with the wait." - This definition makes me crazy. Patience is something I greatly lack. For as far back as I can remember in my life, I've been impatient for WHAT'S NEXT. WHAT'S COMING. WHAT ISN'T HERE YET.
Building a business from the ground up is hard, hard work. Is it worth it? Oh absolutely. Will I be beyond thrilled later down the road, when I can look back to now and know, that all this time and hard work took me to the place of being a full time wedding photographer, who daily lives out her dream? Oh heck yes. Will the days in between now and then, that rough side of the wait from Point A to Point B make me absolutely crazy? Yeah. It just might.
I really find myself from time to time in a struggle with the fact that I am not "there" RIGHT NOW. I struggle greatly with feeling as if I'm wasting time by not being "there" NOW. It truly took me so long to even get to where I am currently, and knowing that I must continue to wait to be in the place of that ultimate goal - it's maddening.
Jeanette Winterson said it best - "Some days we could tight-rope across Manhattan, and other days we are too weary to clean our teeth."
These words circle me in truth. Some days I am wildly determined. Full of abundant faith that I WILL DO THIS. The waiting game is an afterthought and I am hardcore focused on the future. I feel simply unstoppable. I sprint toward that goal line. My mental mantra is "I'm coming up fast!"
Other days, I lethargically drift in a sea of negativity. I doubt myself, I even doubt my dreams. I give too much energy to the numbing feeling of having to wait. Impatience consumes me and I struggle to even get through the day because on that particular day, I can't deal with the fact that I'm not doing exactly what I want to do with my life right at that very second.
Some moments I am so busy with this dream-building. My calendar is full of meetings, photo sessions, timelines, weddings, editing, blogging, to-do lists and more. I spend a morning over coffee with a bride who is giving me the honor of capturing her big day, and my elation is tangible. I spend a Saturday evening photographing a so-in-love couple and know that the images I'm getting are truly "them" in the very best way. My excitement looks a little something like.....APWOAWIOFJ;AOFO;AWHF!!!AWDOF;ASDFI2394UWASDJF;LJ!!!!.
Other moments.. I refresh my email a million times an hour. I dwell on my calendar not being "full enough". I ask myself repeatedly, in every way possible - When? When will I get there?
Just recently my wonderful mother-in-law saw me shortly after I returned home from a great photo-meeting, and she said to me "I love that you're doing this. You are just so in your element with all of this, and it is so great to see." And what did I do? I cried like an idiot. This journey, this dream... It makes me emotional because this is it for me. It's everything I want to do, everything I want to be. No other career path on the planet brings me this type of joy.
So what it comes down to is that THE WAIT is rough for me. A big dreamer with just a sprinkle of patience is a tricky combination. I'm somewhere between Point A and Point B right now, and I just have to keep on keeping on. Use up every speck of patience I can dig out.
All of this rambling is meant to coach myself, to try and use a blank screen and the sound of rapid typing to ease my mind. But maybe someone reading this can relate, maybe they are in the same boat and perhaps reading this will help them in some way. I suppose at some point we're all there, here, - just riding out the wait.